365 days of Jack. WOW.

I’m in shock that it’s been a full year… yet in some ways, it feels like he’s been a part of our lives forever. I can barely remember what my life was like before him. Whatever I was doing, it pales in comparison to the wonderful life and family that we have created now.

When I look back at some of the photos of Jack on his first few days of life, and how tiny and fragile he was, I barely recognize him.

Jack's Birth Day: April 24, 2008

It’s hard to look at those photos, because those first few hours, days, and even weeks were not rife with happiness and celebration—we were terrified. Terrified that he was so small (a miniscule 3 lbs 2 ounces); terrified that his lungs weren’t fully developed and he couldn’t breathe on his own. Once 36 hours had passed and we had received numerous assurances that he really was going to be fine, despite how scary the NICU was, there were still many grueling weeks where terror was our constant companion. Terror that he’d get an infection and backslide; that there would be a complication we weren’t aware of; that we’d get that terrible, unspeakable phone call in the middle of the night that something had happened and they did all they could do. The whole time he was in the NICU I had this horrible feeling that something WAS going to go wrong and I was going to lose my precious little baby.

I don’t think we were TRULY able to enjoy being parents until June 9th when we were finally able to bring him home.

June 9th.. home at last!

Even then… because the NICU nurses pounded it into our heads that preemies are at higher risk for dying of SIDS, I was terrified of that for another 2-3 months. The first three nights I didn’t sleep a WINK because I was checking him to make sure he was still breathing every 15 minutes. It was so ridiculous that I had to buy a sensor for his crib that would detect breathing motions and alert us if it didn’t pick up anything for 20 seconds. He was at least 6 months old before I’d even entertain the thought of letting him nap in bed with me. Now, it’s a nightly occurrence, but then… forget it. I was terrified I’d roll over and suffocate him, or he’d turn his head and bury it in the pillow. I really don’t think anyone (not even Brian) truly understood how frightened I was all the time. Many nights I couldn’t even sleep because I was always worried. I worried myself half to death those first few months.

Most parents never have to go through what we went through, thankfully. Their babies come out hearty and robust and they just go from there. I have friends who have had 10-pound babies from the get-go. Jack didn’t hit 7 pounds until just before he was almost two months old, you know? Their experience with “new parent jitters” and mine are worlds apart. I simply can’t relate, and vice versa.

It wasn’t until December (he was about 7 months old) when I started feeling like I could relax, because he was so strong and healthy. He was sitting up, learning to crawl, and he’d hit 20 lbs., etc.

Jack on Christmas Eve '08

It was then when I was finally able to experience the tremendous joy that motherhood brings. And I truly, truly have. Every day when I look at that sweet, sweet face— his silly tongue, his big, toothless grin that he flashes all the time— and my heart physically hurts, I love him so much. And each day, my love for him continues to grow. That’s a little terrifying, too, but in a good way.

He’s growing sooooo fast! He has such a big personality, and for me, that’s what it’s all about. And oh boy, has he delivered on that front! He has a great little sense of humor and regularly giggles and squeals at funny noises and faces, or even when Cheeto hauls ass down the hallway after one of the cats. His whole BODY seems to smile when daddy walks through the door at night. It’s a beautiful thing to behold. I wish I could get that reaction from him, but that would require leaving.the.house.without.him. And umm… yeah. That’s never happened. I can’t do it.

He bobs up and down and “dances” when he hears music he likes. When he does something he’s proud of, he claps. Oh, and he’s a total ladies man, too. If he sees other little girls—and sometimes older girls! He’s whipped his head around to smile at waitresses in restaurants!—he smiles and flirts with them.

He’s independent in many ways—he likes to do certain things for himself and resists if you try to help. He’s a lot like his mommy that way. But even so, he’s DEFINITELY still a momma’s boy. He doesn’t want to let me out of his SIGHT. And when he’s upset and calling for me with his trademark “Mom-mom-momma!” cry, my heart breaks and I’ll come running and scoop his little baby butt up until he’s happy again. Right now it’s especially gratifying (for me, anyway) because he can be screaming holy hell, but the second I pick him up, he hugs me and stops. Kelly calls it “serious mommy love”, which cracks me up. That’s true, but he’s also suffering from separation anxiety. He should grow out of that, or so all the “experts” say. It’s hard on us, but I love it that he needs me and that I’m able to comfort him. And he’s only a baby once. I’ll never get this time with him back, and soon enough he’ll be all super-independent and won’t want any mommy love. So I’ll get it now while I can.

And he is soooo affectionate. He cuddles with me and puts his precious little head on my shoulder. He also holds my hand, which is the sweetest thing EVER. He falls asleep at night holding at least two of my fingers, just like he did in the NICU when we were finally able to hold him. I think that’s how we first connected and he hasn’t forgotten—it brings him tremendous comfort. To me as well.

Having him is the best thing that’s ever happened to us. He brings both of us so much happiness. And let’s face it—he’s getting to that age where he’s just loads of FUN. And even when he’s not (fun, I mean)… it doesn’t matter. He still has both of us wrapped around his tiny little finger. I have so much patience with him that it freaks me out a little (where is this patience COMING from, and why doesn’t it apply to anyone else?!), so my single biggest fear about becoming a mother was completely unjustified.

The one thing I was sure of—that Brian would be an EXCELLENT father—was thankfully correct. He’s exceeded even my high expectations. So far, I’m really proud of us. And I’m INSANELY proud of Jack. He has come such a long, lonnnnnng way. He’s so fun, smart, mischievous, and cute… I look at him in awe sometimes. This amazing little guy is ours? Really? We are both so incredibly lucky to be his parents.

His whole life is ahead of him… I am SO excited for him. My biggest hope in the world is to be the best mom I can possibly be to my sweet little man

Baby’s breath and sun-filled skies
Ladybugs and lullabies
Starry nights and bright moonbeams
Tender hearts and lasting dreams
Each, a gift within your view
During this time, made for you
May only good things come your way
On this, your very first birthday.

© 2007 – Jill Eisnaugl