My name is Candi. I’m an outspoken 34-year-old redheaded Scorpio. If you haven’t guessed yet from my fantastic choice of a domain name, I am first and foremost a smartass. I have a great sense of humor, but I’m cursed with an unusually low level of tolerance for idiots, so the result is kind of a profanity-laced, sarcastic diatribe against everything life’s aggravations. Think Lewis Black without the penis (or the paycheck). If there’s something for me to bitch about, it’s on like Donkey Kong. You know how they say not to sweat the small stuff because it’s all small stuff? I say sweat it. Sweat it and BITCH ABOUT IT ENDLESSLY, because it’s FUN, and what the fuck else is there to do?! People think I’m pissed off a lot, but most of my rants are in good humor. I enjoy observing the idiotic things my fellow human beings do, and writing about them in such a way that is entertaining to myself and others*.

I am married to Brian (aka The Most Wonderful Man in the World) that I’ve been with for twelve years (and married for eight). We had a beautiful baby boy named Jack who was born on April 24, 2008. He was born @ 31 weeks, so he was a devastating 9 weeks premature and weighed right at 3 lbs. He spent seven grueling weeks in the NICU before he could come home. Now he’s almost two years old and you would never guess he was ever so fragile. He’s the coolest little guy on earth. Like everyone else in this family, he has a HUGE personality. Everyone always tells you how much work kids are… why don’t they tell you how much fun they are? I’m crazy for my boy. I feel like I am exceptionally lucky to be his mom.

We also have a furbaby: a little orange dog named Cheeto. He’s the cutest, funniest, and smartest dog I’ve ever known. He has a cool white mohawk and a very expressive face. He’s a good-natured little guy who enjoys car rides, belly rubs, frog watching, rolling on bugs, eating toenail clippings and wrestling with cats. (Oh, and nipping at the balls of UPS guys. Seriously.)

He’s obsessive-compulsive about food; he will drop his food bowl at your feet several times a day in the hopes that you have forgotten that he’s already eaten. He’s not averse to using puppy dog eyes to manipulate his humans in the cutest possible way. He’s afraid of heights, vacuums, and oddly enough— umbrellas.

We have two cats that I rescued, too. One is named Pismo, who came straight from the depths of HELL six years ago. The other is Rowdy, who— aside from being aptly named— is part dog, part cat, part monkey, part sumo wrestler, and part opera singer. He is completely psycho. (Sidenote: I hate cats like cats but really dislike owning them. One might ask why in the hell I have two of them. I might answer that I have NO FREAKIN’ IDEA.)

I’m a crazy-busy entrepreneur and own several businesses: a web hosting company, a web design and development company; and in the minuscule amount of free time I have left, I design and sell funny t-shirts for redheads.

We live in/near Lawrence, Kansas, a hip little college town of about 90,000 that typically votes Democratic. I’m extremely passionate about politics and I send nasty (but eloquent!) letters to radical conservatives at all levels of government on a monthly basis.

I’m easily amused. I love spending time with my husband, toddler and my dog– they are my biggest sources of entertainment. I’m a geeky Mac addict. PHP enthusiast. Armchair environmentalist and political activist. Feisty Democrat. Amateur photographer. Great conversationalist. Prolific cursebird. I’m a voracious reader, an occasional writer, an avid aquarist and an long-suffering football fan (Go Chiefs!). I simply adore Stephen King novels, road trips, roller coasters, and purple ink pens.

I’ve been blogging online since 1999. I was here for the rise and fall of Blogger, Grey Matter, pMachine, Movable Type, and now Word Press. (Shit, long before blogs even existed, I had a website and a perl script written by Sergey Zozulevich called Online Journal. You wrote your entry and saved it in a .txt file and uploaded it to a specific folder on your website— my folder was of course named “rants”. It even generated previous and next links! OOoooooh! I won’t put my archives up because I’m pretty sure I’ve made fun of everything and everyone known to man and I don’t have time to defend myself anymore. Heh.) I’ve seen people come and go, and come back again dozens of times (including myself). I was sharing my opinions with friends long before every Tom, Dick and Douchebaguette tried to “monetize” their blogs, and I NEVER pimped out my space for some free stuff**. I’ve been stalked, yelled at, threatened with legal action, called every name in the book, and have been known to happily return the favor from time to time. I enjoy playing with trolls like most little girls play with Barbie dolls***.

If you’re still enthralled with me—and why wouldn’t you be?! I am simply fascinating! —you can check out all of my small collection of time and soul-sucking Me Mes, add me on Twitter or Facebook.

To know me is to love me. (Hey, could you tell that to my estranged mother? Or my mother-in-law? I don’t think they got the memo.)