Protected: So I had this epiphany…

Breakin’ the Law

Surrounded!

I damn near pissed myself, I must admit. Those of you who know me well are fully aware that law enforcement and I have never really seen eye to eye. Mostly little things (like my inability to obey the speed limit or to wear a seat belt), but there were a couple of significant issues 15 years ago. Suffice it to say that I went on a Tour de Stupidé between 1996-1997 and got myself into loads of trouble.

Also, did I mention I hate cops? And not necessarily for any of the above reasons, either. I hate them because they’re always up your ass when you don’t need them and never around when you do*. Because of that, I rank them right up there with the salespeople who work at Best Buy. You KNOW what I’m talking about, don’t even try to deny it.

But I digress…

The cops on THIS day and in THIS particular state have never done anything to me but issue aforementioned speeding tickets. So I shouldn’t really say I hate ALL cops. I will say that they make me nervous, though, in that knee-jerk “I’m not doing anything wrong, so go away NOW!” kind of way. The fact that they were sitting there made me laugh… at first. I made plenty of “go eat your donuts somewhere else” and “your tax dollars hard at work” jokes, because they seemed to be doing absolutely nothing but chatting each other up at a good ole cop convention.

But after they sat there for an hour or two, I started wondering what in the fuck they were REALLY doing here. When you see cops milling about on television, it’s usually because they’re waiting for a warrant to be issued. (Yes, yes, I need to quit watching CSI and Law & Order, I know.) I started flipping through my mental Rolodex of all things I have done wrong in my life that I have not rectified yet and could give them probable cause to get a warrant issued^™.

But I had nothing. I’m a boring work-at-home mom now. The worst thing I do these days is answer the door without a bra on. And the girls are not exactly 18-year-old perky anymore, so it probably IS against the law somewhere (if only for the Fashion Police, who I also thumb my nose at). Probably not warrant-worthy.

So what the HELL?! I started feeling paranoia set in. I knew I hadn’t done anything, but when you distrust law enforcement like I do, you know from first-hand experience that sometimes the truth isn’t always the highest thing on their list of priorities. Maybe one of my former enemies decided to start trouble and tell authorities I had a meth lab or something**.

So I called Brian to share in my delusional paranoia. He laughed it off at first, but crazy is contagious. Heh. No, he was worried for a different reason. He wanted me to get out of the house and go somewhere with Jack in case there was a psycho on the loose. I figured if there were a psycho on the loose, they’d be crouched down with their guns drawn, running through the streets and making military hand signals. (I REALLY need to lay off the tv, don’t I?) But in the end, my uneasiness got the better of me so I did just that.

(By the way, you have no idea how relieved I was when they didn’t surround me screaming to get out of the car with my hands in the air. It was the same ridiculous relief you feel when you’ve had to pee for 6 hours and your bladder can’t handle one more drop and if you so much as clear your throat, you’re going to have an accident and leak a little. Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh.)

Turns out, Brian wasn’t too far from the truth! A burglar broke into a house a couple doors down from me and the owner actually came home and interrupted him! The guy was trying to sneak out the back door and run off, the homeowner called the police, and the cops came to surround our subdivision. They caught the guy, so I guess I shouldn’t have been making fun of them milling about and doing nothing.

Talk about a dumb area to break into. This isn’t a gated community or anything, but ironically, it IS loaded up with cops. (Which would explain why there were so many here yesterday.) A cop lives right across the street from me, a state trooper lives 10 or so doors down on the same side of the street, AND there’s another state trooper who lives one street over and a few doors down. Those are just the ones I know about. Idiot should have scoped out the area a bit more. Heh.

I’m so, so thankful it wasn’t my house. Not because I care about the stuff, but because I would have been right here with Jack at the time, and I think the guy had a gun. They said it was “aggravated burglary”, so he definitely had some sort of weapon! I don’t even want to think about that. That’s a little terrifying, honestly.

Brian is calling today to re-activate our home security system. We turned the dumb thing off several years ago because the cats kept setting the alarms off when we weren’t home, but they need to decrease the sensitivity and turn it back on, and I’m going to leave it on when I’m home now, too.  Annoying. I can’t believe a tiny town like this had a burglar. If I’m going to start dealing with crime, I’d rather be back in a bigger city again. Pffffft.

My baby isn’t a baby anymore…

There is so much going on with Jack! My baby isn’t a baby anymore. He hasn’t been for quite a while. He’s a toddler , and he’s growing up sooooo fast. I’m afraid to blink or I might miss something.

Fast Asleep

Brian had been sleeping in Jack’s room since we started the transition, but not last night because Jack didn’t wake up.  (Yes, I’m aware that I’m overusing italics. Bite it. This is super exciting for me. Heh.) So Brian slept in bed with me. Both of us in the bedroom. By ourselves. For the first time in almost 21 months. Oh, yeah, baby…. yeah! [ Insert cheesy porn music here. ]

Numerous milestones there. *happy dance*

Of course, I barely slept a wink, because Jack was in there all by his lonesome and… well, I was wigging out a little. Okay, a lot.

I kept thinking that someone could break into our house and kidnap him and we’d never know because our room is soundproof with the door closed. So I made Brian get up and open the door so we could see (and hear) across the hallway. Then I made him get up again a few minutes later and put a baby gate up, because I didn’t want Oliver wandering around the house all night.

I tossed. And turned. At times I even whimpered like a frightened little girl. There may have been begging involved—I desperately wanted him to wake up so I could quiet my crazy ass mind, but no such luck. He was zonked. So I started imagining other reasons why he may not have woken up yet (the sane voice saying he was sleeping soundly and everything was perfectly fine didn’t win that particular argument, OBVIOUSLY). I thought the blanket might be covering his head and he had suffocated. I fretted that he tried to get out of hid bed, fell and cracked his head open on the foot board. And then I agonized that his pacifier broke apart and was lodged in his throat, and he was choking to death*.  On that last note, I actually woke Brian up at 4:00 a.m. and had him sneak into Jack’s room to check on him. THEN I think I was finally—blissfully—able to go to sleep.

There’s no way to quell this phobia of mine other than to seek professional help. I already have a monitor in there so I can hear what’s going on. And I have a video monitor I could use, but it’s so dark I don’t think I’d be able to see anything. And even if I could, it wouldn’t be close enough to make sure he was still breathing. The motion sensor that I used when he was a tiny baby that DID detect breathing will not work on a toddler bed. So I’m just going to have to get the hell over it. I’m sure I will at some point. (Not. I did that with Cheeto his entire life. And no, in case you’re wondering, I haven’t had a decent’s night sleep in years. I don’t really sleep like most people sleep. My subconscious sleeps with one eye open, periodically making the rounds and checking on everyone around me. It’s exhausting being me, it really is.)

Jack, on the other hand, is sleeping well. Much better than when he was sleeping in bed with us. He falls asleep in 20 minutes instead of 60 minutes now. He doesn’t wake up crying every hour or two. I don’t think he’s fidgeting as much. He seems a lot more refreshed when he wakes up. I told Brian when we started the conversion that if it didn’t work, I was okay with waiting until he was at least two to try again. I do not try to rush this child—he does things on his schedule and not a moment sooner. He’s definitely a stubborn Taurus.

It takes 28 days to make a habit, so we’re well on our way. And it really seems as if this one’s going to stick. (No thanks to ME. I’ve tried to sabotage this plan on no less than three occasions because I miss snuggling with him, but common sense always wins out in the end, thank goodness. At some point I really do need to SLEEP.)

Next up is getting rid of the pacifier. He doesn’t really use it at all during the day anymore… only in long car rides or in restaurants, because it keeps him mellow. Other than that, he’s down to just using it at night to go to sleep. Then it falls out of his mouth in a few minutes and is gone. Shouldn’t be too hard! No rush, but I’d really like for him to be completely done with it before his birthday in April.

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Rub a dub dub

Yayyyy, bathtime!

So much so that he can be downstairs playing with his favorite toy (his laptop) or watching his favorite show (Yo Gabba Gabba), and if Brian turns the faucet on in the bathtub, he hauls ASS as fast as he can up the stairs*.

Just tonight, Jack was playing with his little shopping cart, pushing it around the room. As soon as he heard water running. he FLUNG the damn shopping cart out of his way and BOLTED into the bathroom.

He started pulling on his shirt, too, like “Get this damn thing off me!”

He’s a funny little guy. I hope he’s always like that and I don’t have to fight him to take a bath every night when he gets older**.

Recap of 2009

I stole this meme from Amy.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’ve never done before?

I started seriously thinking about my own mortality. I’m sooooooooo glad that I quit smoking a couple years back. My new-found anxiety on this topic would have me popping Paxil like Pez if I were still puffing on the cancer sticks. Now I just need to get (and stay) in shape.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don’t make New Year’s resolutions anymore. I used to write up these elaborate lists of things that I wanted to accomplish and then I’d get all disappointed when I looked back a year later and I hadn’t managed to do many of them. The stuff that really matters? That stuff is on my ever-present list of things to improve upon.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, my friend Jaya. A few other friends, but no one I’m SUPER close to. I’m at the age where everyone I know is having kids. It’s a beautiful thing.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, my best little buddy in the whole world, Cheeto. The sadness is soul-crushing.

5. What countries did you visit?

Traveling is not something I’ve been able to do since I had a child, unfortunately.  I didn’t even make it out of the STATE this year. Okay, I visited Missouri. But it doesn’t count because I live right near the border.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

More time to spend with Jack! And I do believe I’ve found a way to make it happen. Very excited about that!

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

1. The Obama Inauguration on January 20, 2009.  Oh, happy day!
2. May 21, 2009:  Jack’s first steps!
3. October 8, 2009: The death of my beloved furbaby, Cheeto.
4. November 24, 2009: One year had passed since my mother stopped talking to me.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I think I balanced motherhood and work really well, especially considering I had a naughty little child that wouldn’t let anyone touch him besides me, his father, and his aunt (which meant no daycare and no babysitters!). At times it made me crazy because I was such a workaholic before, and it’s always very hard for me to pass on projects. But it always came down to the fact that I’d rather let my clients down than my son. Once I started looking at it like that, it wasn’t hard at all. Work will NEVER come before my family. I’ll make whatever sacrifices I need to to make sure of that.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I feel like I didn’t recognize Cheeto’s condition as being as life-threatening as it really was, and that’s why his death caught me so off-guard. I think he had COPD for soooo many years, so used to his coughing, and the progression was so slow that we were kind of like a frog in a boiling pot of water.

Don’t get me wrong: I was fully aware that he was 13 years old and that his disease was progressing. But I thought we still had months left together. I was in the process of ordering an at-home oxygen tank for him so we didn’t have to go in for daily breathing treatments. He felt so much better after those that I thought that day would be the same as all the others. I just dropped him off and left.

The only reason I left in the first place was because I  had to get home so my sister could leave. I was already planning on getting Jack and going right back to the vet’s. However, if I would have—for a SECOND—thought that Cheeto was in mortal danger, I would never have left his side. Thankfully, I did make it back to him in time so I could hold him in my arms. I just wish I’d been there the whole time, that’s all. Or that they would have called me SOONER instead of waiting 2 hours.

I’ll be eternally grateful that I was able to be there with him at the end, though. I would have never been able to forgive myself otherwise. He knew that… that’s why he waited for me.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Just a broken heart.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Honestly… ? I can’t remember buying anything of significance. Just another example of how money means nothing (after the essentials are covered, anyway). Oh! I did really enjoy my iPhone 3GS purchase. I already had an iPhone, but the new one allowed me to start taking more videos of Jack. Uploading video from the iPhone is soooooo much easier and more convenient than from a goddamn camcorder!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Jack’s, of course! He is growing so fast! So many milestones in 2009:

• He learned how to crawl and pull himself up in February
• Started crawling up stairs in March
• Turned one in April
• Got his first tooth and started walking in May
• Started getting some serious dance moves in July
• Tall enough to reach and turn doorknobs November
• Started saying “hi” and “bye bye” to everyone under the sun in December

Every month I think “Wow, this is such a fun age!” and then the next month his personality gets even bigger and we have even more fun. He’s awesome.

Also… my husband? Best man in the world. I’m not kidding. He has always been such a great husband, so I knew he’d be an even better father. And I was right.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

My mother’s refusal to talk to me or my sister depressed and angered me throughout 2009. But it’s time to forgive and forget. Fresh start as an orphan in 2010, FTW!

14. Where did most of your money go?

Babysitter. And possibly to Fisher Price, based on the landfill of toys that used to be my living room.

15. What did you get really excited about?

When Jack started walking, it was if the clouds parted, the sun streamed through and the angels started singing.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

“Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked” by Cage the Elephant. And ain’t that the truth?

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

- happier or sadder? Much, much happier… 2009 was hard, but nothing compared to 2008. Plus, seeing my son smile is an INSTANT attitude adjustment. Whatever crap I’m fuming over at the time just melts away. I wish I could bottle up his essence and sell it—I’d be rich.

- thinner or fatter? Hmm. I think I’m a few pounds heavier thanks to a thyroid disorder diagnosed in January that wasn’t under control until July. (Well, that and a cookie habit. Heh.) Working on remedying that now, though.

- richer or poorer? Ohhhh, much, much poorer. Less time to work = less money. But spending time with my son is a wonderful trade-off.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Forgiving people who trespass against me. Blogging. Reading. Writing. Anything but…

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

… Twittering. For fuck’s sake, is there a bigger waste of time or energy on the goddamn planet?

20. How did you spend Christmas?

At home, just the three of us. It was fantabulous if you want to read about it.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?

Yes, actually, I did. My husband continually amazes me. (It’s fucking disgusting, I know. Go ahead and puke, haters!)

22. What was your favorite TV program?

When Lost is on, I always say Lost. When Dexter is on, I always say Dexter. It’s a toss up.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Yeah, there are always an abundance of people added to my hate list every year. Sarah Palin being #1 on that list.

24. What was the best book you read?

I’m with Amy. I have a toddler. I can barely read Oprah magazine. I can barely blog! You’re lucky you’re reading this.  Though I’m about 300 pages into Stephen King’s latest masterpiece, it’s over 1000 pages. Maybe I’ll finish it by the end of 2010. There! That’s my New Year’s resolution. Finish a damn book.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I discovered how much I hate the fucking Fresh Beat Band, does that count? Nah. I learned to love Cage the Elephant, Kevin Rudolf, Halestorm, and Lady Gaga. I know. Shameful.

26. What did you want and get?

Mario Kart.  I aim high, man, what can I say?

27. What did you want and not get?

I’d rather not disclose at this time. *snort*

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

I have seen one, uno, un, ein movie this year. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. My sister watched Jack while Brian and I snuck out to the AMC Cinema Suites to watch it in style. We had the theater to ourselves. There was dinner involved. It was a beautiful thing. But I hated the movie. Such a downer.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 34 this year. (I had to look it up. And so it begins…)

I don’t remember doing anything, honestly. I was too depressed from Cheeto’s passing. I DO remember that was the first and only time Jack has fallen down the stairs, though. Scared us half to death. Happy Birthday to ME.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Three things, bitch:

More chocolate, less weight gain;

More money, less work;

More sleep, less zombification;

Any of those would’ve been greeeeeaaaat.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

LMFAO! Anyone who knows me is fully aware that my idea of fashion is putting a bra on before company comes over. Maybe if they’re really lucky, I’ll throw in a pair of jeans and some deodorant. Thank god I’m a natural beauty. Bwah hah hah haha hahahahahahaha. [ gasping for air ]

32. What kept you sane?

Bitching about things is nature’s Prozac, babe. It makes me laugh and keeps me sane.

Other things that make me laugh: Jack’s giggles. Those are the BEST.

And my husband’s support, which is always unyielding.

33. Who did you miss?

My grandma. I think of her every day and wish she were here to hang out with me & Jack. I just know they would have loved each other soooooo much.

34. Who was the best new person you met?

My friend Megen. She’s whip smart and bitchy and sarcastic. What’s not to love?!

35. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

“Oh, there ain’t no rest for the wicked,
Money don’t grow on trees.
I got bills to pay,
I got mouths to feed,
There ain’t nothing in this world for free.
I know I can’t slow down,
I can’t hold back,
Though you know, I wish I could.
No there ain’t no rest for the wicked,
Until we close our eyes for good”.